Guest Post: "The Church and Grief"

[Today’s guest writer is John Dobbs. John preaches for the Forsythe Avenue church of Christ in Monroe, Louisiana, where he has served since February 2008. John is married to Maggie, and they have two children. Their daughter, Nicole, is married and has two children. Their son, John Robert, died in May 2008 at the age of 18. You may read more about that here. John is a self-described social network geek, and you may find him on Facebook, Twitter, or his personal blog. We are grateful for his time and thought in writing today’s 6th part of our “The Church and…” series.]

A funeral home is a natural place to find a preacher. Even if the deceased were not especially fond of going to church, a preacher is often called to assist with the memorial service. I have attended many funerals, and have been the preacher speaking at many funerals. I have been saddened at the tears and pain of others. The reading of Scriptures related to death and the comfort of heaven were always a part of my message. But even with all of that experience, nothing prepared me for the funeral of our son.

John Robert was 18 years old. His death was an unfortunate accident. As news spread through our community of this tragedy, people flooded into our home. A Baptist pastor from a church around the corner offered their facilities for the funeral, knowing our church building could not hold the mourners who would come. Suddenly I was not the one reading scriptures and watching a family in pain. Now it was us.

While I cannot imagine a worse experience, I also cannot imagine being in better hands. We were transitioning from one congregation to another. We were being held up by prayers, love, hugs, encouragements, and so much more from two different churches – in different states. In this new (for us) experience, we learned a lot about grief. We remember not knowing what to say to those who were hurting. Now as those in mourning we understood that words could not help – no matter how profound.

But words could hurt. In our grief support group a common subject of discussion centers around the odd things people say when they are trying to be comforting. I’m sure they are well intentioned, but often hurt more than they help. On the list of things to never say to a grieving person:

• God needed another angel, so he took your loved one. (Didn’t God create angels at will? Why would he need MY son to be his angel?)
• God needed a rose for his garden, so he took your loved one. (Sounds sentimental, but doesn’t it make God sound like some kind of inconsiderate florist?)
• Let me tell you about my losses. (I am sorry you’ve had losses too, but right now I can’t hear you, nor do I care to.)
• You know, some things are worse than this. (Impossible.)

I am certain that a multitude of commenters could leave reports of the inane things people say when they do not know what to say.

What would we have done without a church family to come to our aid? I don’t know. And that has to be one of the saddest situations. The pain of loss is immeasurable, and if there is no one with the spirit of Christ nearby to offer love and care it is also unbearable.

Though each grief is unique and each person going through grief may experience it in different ways, there are some things a church can do to be a help in this time of mourning.

• Be Present. This is not a good time for someone to be alone. I remember our next door neighbors spending the night at our home the first night after John Robert died. They cleaned our home, served us, offered rides to anyplace we needed to go, and their presence was a great comfort. Another friend sat by me while I cried and questioned. He never said anything, just reached over and squeezed my shoulder from time to time. It wasn’t the time for a grief therapy session. It was just a time to be present.
• Listen Without Judgment. In the agony of grief, many things are said that are simply raw expressions of emotion. Give the grieving person grace and space to say whatever they need to say. It may not be pretty, and it may even be profane. It is your job as a comforter to allow these expressions from a broken heart – without correction. Allow questions to go unanswered. This isn’t the time to fix anything.  Everything has changed and in this disruption of life there will be some agonizing brought on by death.
• Focus on Long Term Recovery. When a family member is lost, their loss lasts as long as the family lives. At first we received dozens of sympathy cards. We have every one of them, and look at them from time to time. They are so valuable to us. After a month passed, we received a few more cards. Then they became occasional. To some extent everyone who has lost a loved one must transform their lives through a process from grief to a somewhat normal life. This takes time. Kind remarks remind others that their journey in the darkness of grief is not forgotten. Never assume that someone should be  “over it by now.” The concept of “moving on” is fearful to many in grief.
• Remember Special Days. Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays are times when the pain of grief can come flooding back. Make it a point to know these dates and acknowledge them.
• Support. There are support groups available for most situations. We participated in GriefShare (http://www.griefshare.org/), a dvd small group program by Church Initiatives that is excellent. Since we have lost a child, The Compassionate Friends (http://www.compassionatefriends.org) was a natural choice. We were blessed to get to know our local leaders of that group. They also have lost a son. There are other groups for those dealing with suicide, infant deaths, and other specific situations. Check with a local funeral home or the local newspaper for meeting times. I also went to a professional Christian counselor for several months, which was helpful.

October is the month that brings John Robert’s birthday. He would have been 20 this year. I feel sure we have much more to learn about grief, but without the church we would never have been able to get this far in our recovery. Praise God for surrounding us with His loving and caring people … His church.